Letters to Rhys

Little girls usually dream of becoming mothers and marrying an amazing husband. I never dreamed that one day I'd have the opportunity to be both a mother and a wife. Only a mother can express the amazing feeling you get the first time you hold your new born in your arms for the first time. It is truly an amazing feeling to hold the life in your hands that you and your partner have created. I have four amazing children that I thank God for every day, but I will never forget Rhys.

I became pregnant with Rhys in September of 2007. I was extremely excited, after having 2 beautiful little girls, I was now being blessed with a son. A SON! My heart could have burst with excitement. Christmas morning was wonderful. Our children woke us from bed to show us what Santa had brought to them. We exchanged our gifts, played with toys, laughed, and loved.

During breakfast I started to not feel so well. Unsure of what was happening I went to lay down and prayed everything would be ok. I prayed that this would pass and that I'd be able to enjoy the rest of the night with my kids. All I wanted to do is snuggle with them and watch "It's a Wonderful Life", but all I could do is lay in my bed, in pain and fear the worst. The last thing I wanted to do is to spoil Christmas for the children. So my husband and I decided I'd go to the doctor first thing in the morning if I continued to not feel good.

I continued to have pains, which seemed to get stronger and stronger. When I realized that the pains might have been contractions I hurried to get to their things together. Which did not go to fast in reality. Trying to pack two bags for two small children and try not to upset them through all of this was not easy.

I was finally on my way to the hospital and my parents were meeting us to take the kids home with them for a while. As soon as I was placed into a room, my parents showed up. I was so relieved that my kids didn't have to see me in so much pain, but most of all what was to come next.

My family no longer left my room and my water had broke. At 12:45am December 26th the pain stopped, but a new pain had begun. My son entered the world but I was only 18w 1d pregnant with him. The hospital staff told me they was sorry. They told me they couldn't do anything to save him. They told me he was gone.

I laid there in disbelief. This was all a dream, one huge nightmare! How could something I longed for, wanted so badly be gone so quickly! How could this have happened! What did I do wrong! All we could do is stare at him. His perfect tiny self, his skin so transparent you could almost see through him. His tiny long fingers. He had toes like his daddy, and perfect little lips.

My husband was very inquisitive, curious he asked why his chest was moving if he was no longer with us. The nurse checked him out and his tiny heart still beat. We held onto him for two hours before God reached down, cradled my baby in his arms and took him home.

I think about him often. My daughter loves and misses him so much. She thought it would be a great idea to write him a letter and draw pictures for him. I asked her, "honey, how will he get these letters?" she replied "The mailman from heaven will swoop down and take it to him". So she tossed the letters out the door, and up in the air they went. God must have taken it, because it was gone the next day. :)

So when we are feeling sad, and missing our son and brother, we write letters to Rhys.